I shared with you all in an earlier post that I gave birth to a stillborn baby last July and that seven months later my husband and I found out that we were expecting again! Being pregnant after a loss is terrifying, each day you’re on needles wondering if everything is okay. Every feeling, symptom and cramp is magnified in your mind as, “Oh no, is something wrong?!” It’s hard to find joy in pregnancy after you’ve experienced a loss, because now you know how fragile bringing a life into this world is, how it is not something that should be taken for granted and how overwhelming the grief is to lose a baby.
This past Sunday was not only Easter but it was also our one year wedding anniversary. We had dinner reservations at one of those upscale restaurants in the nicer part of town. We wanted nothing more then to enjoy the night by stuffing our faces with overly expensive food! But, they say God laughs when you make plans, I’ve always loved that saying, but now I can’t bare to think of God or to speak to him because our plans to enjoy our anniversary and to eat our year old wedding cake came to a halting stop when I started to feel pain right before we left our door step.
Within the hour the pain became more severe, I knew something was wrong but I remained positive and hopeful until the very end. I truly believed that years down the road this was something I would tell my unborn baby about, how difficult and scary their pregnancy was but oh… how I was wrong.
I felt my husband hold me while I bent over in pain, I watched him wet and wrap a cold rag around my neck. Through the pain I thought to myself, “I married a good man, twice he’s watched me try to bare children and twice I’ve disappointed him”
Suddenly I felt a rush beneath me and before I knew it the baby that I had been longing for, the baby I thought was going to save me, the baby I finally thought I could re-open the nursery door for upstairs.. was gone.
I began screaming, crying, begging god “Why” as my husband grabbed our small angel out of the toilet.
We stood there and cried, what do you do? Where do you put the baby? I was so unprepared. Just like that, I’m further away from being a mother, just like that my November due date is gone and just like that, I’m left trying to understand why this happened and what God’s plan is for us. I have lost two babies within one year, my body is so tired, my mind is shot.
As a little girl I never dreamed of my wedding day, I always dreamed about being a mom and wife. Never did I think that those dreams would be so difficult to achieve.