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Miscarriage

09867878213fe6cc29ca7aa1f9979b3dI shared with you all in an earlier post that I gave birth to a stillborn baby last July and that seven months later my husband and I found out that we were expecting again! Being pregnant after a loss is terrifying, each day you’re on needles wondering if everything is okay. Every feeling, symptom and cramp is magnified in your mind as, “Oh no, is something wrong?!” It’s hard to find joy in pregnancy after you’ve experienced a loss, because now you know how fragile bringing a life into this world is, how it is not something that should be taken for granted and how overwhelming the grief is to lose a baby.

This past Sunday was not only Easter but it was also our one year wedding anniversary. We had dinner reservations at one of those upscale restaurants in the nicer part of town. We wanted nothing more then to enjoy the night by stuffing our faces with overly expensive food! But, they say God laughs when you make plans, I’ve always loved that saying, but now I can’t bare to think of God or to speak to him because our plans to enjoy our anniversary and to eat our year old wedding cake came to a halting stop when I started to feel pain right before we left our door step.

Within the hour the pain became more severe, I knew something was wrong but I remained positive and hopeful until the very end. I truly believed that years down the road this was something I would tell my unborn baby about, how difficult and scary their pregnancy was but oh… how I was wrong.

I felt my husband hold me while I bent over in pain, I watched him wet and wrap a cold rag around my neck. Through the pain I thought to myself, “I married a good man, twice he’s watched me try to bare children and twice I’ve disappointed him” 

Suddenly I felt a rush beneath me and before I knew it the baby that I had been longing for, the baby I thought was going to save me, the baby I finally thought I could re-open the nursery door for upstairs.. was gone.

I began screaming, crying, begging god “Why” as my husband grabbed our small angel out of the toilet.

We stood there and cried, what do you do? Where do you put the baby? I was so unprepared. Just like that, I’m further away from being a mother, just like that my November due date is gone and just like that, I’m left trying to understand why this happened and what God’s plan is for us. I have lost two babies within one year, my body is so tired, my mind is shot.

As a little girl I never dreamed of my wedding day, I always dreamed about being a mom and wife. Never did I think that those dreams would be so difficult to achieve.

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It gives me hope.

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What a powerful photo that I can relate too! All of these incredible women featured in this photo are women who have experienced infertility and loss, they stand before us holding and bearing their “rainbow” babies. Many wonder what a rainbow baby means, the saying goes: “After every storm comes a rainbow” reminding us that there is a glimpse of hope and beauty beyond the horizon. 

When I found out at the end of February that I was pregnant with our rainbow baby  just seven months after losing our first, I expected to feel pure joy, relief and excitement. Instead I felt none of those things. How awful does that sound? “I should be grateful” I thought. Instead I felt overwhelmed, scared, guilty and confused. I didn’t want to connect with this new baby because I was still very much grieving the last. My son passed inside of me when I was 31 weeks pregnant. I was 26, a newlywed & perfectly healthy with no medical concerns, so where did it go wrong? As I type this, 9 months since I gave birth to my stillborn baby and 10 weeks pregnant with my second baby – there is absolutely no medical explanation on why my baby died… so who says this one won’t die too? It’s a morbid thought, but it’s real, it’s my reality.

Most women announce their pregnancies at 12 weeks, because statistically miscarriage and infant loss decreases dramatically at this stage in pregnancy, don’t quote me but I think at 12 weeks there is a 97% chance that you will not lose the baby, but I was apart of that 3% that did. I found out at 7.5 months pregnant that there is no safe time in pregnancy.

But, I look at this picture of these six mothers who have walked the same very dark path as me and it gives me hope.

xx

baby · grief · love · mommy · stillbirth

Stillborn, Stillloved

I truly believe the more we share the more we have which is why my second post with be about the months leading up to the most eventful year of my life.

September 2015

Chad and I got engaged ! #soinlove

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October 2015

We bought our first home!!

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December 2015

whoops…

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We were so busy in our whirlwind of excitement & joy that we accidentally created a little bundle of joy! We quickly decided that we would move our wedding up to that April, I would be five months pregnant in a wedding dress (not ideal) but it was important to me to be married before we welcomed our baby into the world. So in 3 1/2ish months we pulled together a wedding that consisted of 60 of our closest family and friends – let me just say, it was crazy. Having a year to plan a wedding is tough and stressful just imagine 3 1/2ish months. And yes, I had to buy a dress off the rack. I was so not happy the day I went wedding dress shopping with my mom. I remember thinking to myself that I always imagined myself feeling and looking my best on my wedding day but instead I was 30 pounds heavier and in a dress that I settled for off the rack because there was no time to have one ordered and fitted to my growing belly. Ugh.

January 2016

HAPPY NEW YEAR !

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April 2016 

Welp, we did it! April 16, 2016 I became a Mrs. We had so many major life events happen in such few short months that I was ready for things to calm down significantly. We opted out of a traditional honeymoon because we were so worried about the Zika virus. Instead, we headed to the Jersey shore for a week of bike riding, movie rentals, take out, and snuggling ❤

We spent the next few months preparing for our baby. We spent most of our wedding money on a beautiful nursery set for our baby, oh wait, did I happen to mention what we’re having? A BOY!!

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Nursery 75% complete!

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July 2016

The most awful, terrible, saddest, most tragic, earth shattering, life changing day of MY LIFE.

It was July 1, I had a detailed ultrasound at the hospital that morning, I was 31 weeks pregnant and at this point I was getting ultrasounds done weekly. It’s not common to get them so often but my amniotic fluid was a little off, nothing to be to concerned about but I happily obliged when the doctor asked me to come weekly to be safe. I’m off on Fridays from work (I work four 10’s) so every week I looked forward to Friday’s, I loved watching my baby grow, I loved seeing him in 3D, it was honestly the best weeks of my life.

On July 1st I woke up, put on some comfy clothes, ate some breakfast and headed to the hospital with no indication that, that day, that morning.. everything from me waking up to brushing my teeth to getting in the car would be forever burned into my memory. What should have been a normal day turned into the worst day of my life. 

I arrived to my appointment and went right in with technician. She squirted the jelly on my belly and started rolling the ultrasound stick around (does anyone actually know the medical terminology?) She asked me if I had eaten this morning and I said yes, eating before appointments helps the baby wake up and move around which in turn helps them take measurements. The technician then asked if I had felt him move this morning, and the word “yes” was about to leave my lips until I thought about it, “I felt him around 11pm when my husband came home from work but, this morning I woke up, ate, got dressed and came right here so I didn’t really take notice”. She smiled and told me that she had to ask the doctor something, it seemed unrelated to me so I didn’t mind her leaving for a few seconds. Well those seconds turned into minutes, and those minutes turned into a half hour. Every minute that ticked by I grew increasingly nervous and anxious. I remember panic set it when I put two and two together, “she asked if I ate probably and if I had felt the baby probably because he wasn’t moving!” I began to shake my belly, “wake up baby, move around for mommy, you’re scaring mommy” I said. I laid back and I thought, “there is no way God would do this to me, there is no way that my baby’s heart isn’t beating.” I put reassurance into my faith just in time for the doctor to walk in. The doctor didn’t say much, he instead started rolling the ultrasound stick around my belly, he grunted a few times. I was sweating and I could feel my face turning red, “is everything okay?!” I asked. The doctor made one last grunt and turned to look at me, our eyes connected and he spoke the words  that I relive every day, “Is anyone here with you today?” I knew what he was going to say, I knew this wasn’t good. “No, I’m here by myself, why? what’s going on?”  “I’m sorry to tell you this, but your baby does not have a heart beat, “I’m so sorry”. 

Those words deafened me. Five simple words but when put together are so powerful that they can change your whole being. On July 1, 2016 my son, Lorenzo Joseph was dead inside of me. On July 1, 2016 I lost my son and everything I am was lost with him too.

To be continued…

xx

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Hello!

Hi there! My name is Kimmie, I’m 27 years old and I live in Wilmington, DE with my husband Chad. We have been married for almost a year already! Easter just happens to land on our wedding anniversary… or maybe it’s our anniversary that lands on Easter? 🙂 Eh either way,  we are excited! To say this year has been filled with happiness and bliss would be a big FAT fib, who say’s marriage is easy? Virtually know one, but it is totally worth it. I decided to start a blog to share my life with you all in hopes you find my stories relate-able and enjoyable! So since this is my first blog post I feel that it is necessary to give you some insight on who I am and what I have worth sharing 🙂 Here’s a list of facts about me! Some will be turned into topics that I plan on discussing on my wife + mommy blog!

  1. How I met your mother .. I mean, my husband! Do you love Nicholas sparks? Then you will LOVE our story
  2. I am 9 1/2 weeks pregnant! YAY!
  3. I am working on passing a law for stillborn babies in my home state of Delaware because I am a mommy to a sleeping angel ❤
  4. I just started yoga… and I LOVE IT
  5. I was born in Philadelphia but raised in Delly-where 😀
  6. I am a Drug and Alcohol Counselor
  7.  I have a side business called “Reclaimed + Reloved” in which I re-purpose furniture –cropped-12046770_10204781028101894_7853749805975826103_n.jpg

I’m excited to share my life with all of you! Working as a counselor I have learned some tricks of the trade and I also welcome any questions ! 🙂

xx